Because I can't afford a psychiatrist

Month: July, 2012

Finished 05.30.2012


The Perks of Being a Wallflower – Stephen Chbosky


Finished 07.28.2012


The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath

Mirror, mirror.

I thought I would have time to blog about my Saturday outing with the Bolipata brothers, sans their eldest, but there are more pressing things to write about than that. There have been countless moments during the past months that I felt very down in the dumps, to the point of cutting myself again. Empty. That’s what i felt most of the time then. Empty and indulgent in my weaknesses. I loved the feeling of depression so much, I almost decided to live within it. I guess, I need to fix myself. I think I should start writing letters to God. 🙂 It is going to be like a staple thing here in my blog, other than my random thoughts and rants. Oh well. I kind of need to find a “write time” in my schedule. 🙂 I have so much to do, with so little time, and so little focus. I need focus. I need to arrange my life. I know I’m not really a stickler for structure but I don’t think winging it is working anymore. :))

I am one big fleeting, errant contradiction

Alright. From now on, I will stop whining about how I suck at keeping a diary, journal or a blog, and just start doing it. No, I don’t mean sex. This blog is going to contain anything and everything that I want to do in my life. Whether or not I will achieve them is immaterial. This blog is going to be chock-full of my hopes, dreams and murderous intents altruistic aspirations. It is also going to be a to-do list of things that I most probably will not do, a laundry list of things that I should remember, but will definitely forget the moment after I think of them. Last, this is going to be a desperate prayer to my God, Whom I love so much, but cause so much pain and disappointment at the same time.


Yeah, okay. I did say “see you tomorrow,” but I did warn you earlier, I FAILED TERRIBLY at keeping a diary. This isn’t any different as it is just an electronic version of a diary. You should congratulate me, I managed to fail on paper as well as in the internet cloud. Hooray. Well I’m off to bed. I’ll get back to you. Sometime.

Just one of those days.

One of those days where the only thing I can think about is killing myself. Issues? Who doesn’t have issues? Problems? I have none. In fact, this day has been relatively light and breezy. The weather wasn’t too hot, nor was it raining. My workload wasn’t hellish. I actually had a handful of work done, even if most of the time my mind was busy constructing creative but painless ways for me to put myself to sleep. 


The First Cut

Wasn’t the deepest

No, not at all.

It was like the others,

A subtle rend of anxious skin,

A gentle pulse of crimson,

just enough to hush the demons

shrieking inside my brain.

Ready. Fire! Aim.

And so it begins. I tried maintaining a diary and I failed terribly. I realized that my hand cannot keep up with the speed of the ephemeral thoughts that plague my noggin. So here I am, bowing to the power of the keyboard and my relatively high WPM. See you tomorrow for my next session. This is therapy for me, really.